Author: Cassia Leo

Joel and I sit in the living room, having been banished from the kitchen. I flip on the news because I have no idea what Joel wants to watch and I really don’t feel like asking.

“Your mom talks about you a lot. She’s very proud of you,” Joel says from where he sits in the armchair I normally sit in while I practice.

I nod as I change the channel. “Yeah, she tells everyone she meets. I told her she needs to stop doing that or she’s going to get some crazy stalker following her home one of these days.”

Joel is silent. I don’t know if he thinks I’m calling him a stalker, and I really don’t care. I’ve warned my mom about being so free with that kind of information, but she doesn’t seem to care. She thinks that if nothing bad has happened yet that nothing bad ever will happen.

I sit through another twenty minutes of painful silence before Claire comes in to call us.

She smiles at the scowl I’m wearing as she grabs the front of my shirt. “No pouting on Christmas,” she says, and I can’t help but smile as she pulls me up from the sofa.

“If you say so. I know better than to argue with the cleaning lady.”

“If you didn’t already have a bad leg, I’d kick you in the shin,” she replies as she grabs my hand and pulls me toward the dining area. “By the way, I’m going with you to your physical therapy appointment tomorrow.”

“I don’t need you to go. In fact, I don’t want you to go. I don’t want you to see me getting groped by my physical therapist.”

“Why not? I might learn a thing or two.” She growls and I smack her ass as she takes a seat at the table.

“Not at the table, please,” my mom says as she sets a dish of mashed potatoes next to the turkey.

Joel smiles uncomfortably as he moves around my mom to the opposite side of the table. Claire takes her seat and I quickly grab her hand under the table. She looks at me and I smile as I bring her hand to my lips. The back of her hand is soft and smells like the coconut hand lotion my mom keeps in the kitchen. She tilts her head as she smiles at me and I know this will be the best Christmas, no matter how many strangers my mom invites.

My mom clears her throat from the head of the table and we all turn to her. She folds her hands on the table, but she keeps her eyes focused on the food.

“I know that we have all had a rough year. And we’ve never been the kind of family to say grace before a meal. But I want to take the time to give thanks right now.” She looks at Joel and he smiles. “Thank you, Joel, for joining us today. I know this must feel awkward to you, but I want you to know that your presence is both appreciated and welcomed.” She turns to me and her smile fades. “Christopher, thank you for being the most supportive son a mother could ask for and the kind of man I am proud to have raised.” She turns to Claire and her eyes instantly well up. “My dearest, Claire. My girl. Thank you for making me a proud mother and for making my son stronger and more focused.”

Claire bites her lip for a moment before she takes a deep breath and turns to Joel. “Thank you for being here with us today, Joel.” He nods at her as she turns to my mom and the long pause worries me since I can’t see her face from this angle. “Mom, thank you for being the mother I always wished for.” My mom grabs her hand and I rub Claire’s back as she wipes her face with her napkin then turns to me. “Chris…. There’s really nothing I could say to fully express the gratitude I feel for having met you six years ago. To call you my soul mate would be like calling Romeo and Juliet soul mates. It means nothing in the context of real life and it’s easily dismissible. You are more than my soul mate. You are me.”

I reach up and wipe the tears from her eyes and she closes her eyes in an expression of relief. Taking her hand in mine, I grip it tightly as I turn to Joel. “Thank you, Joel, for having dinner with us today. I hope you join us again… some other time.” My mom eyes me warily at this awkward delivery, but I shrug off her glare. “Mom, thank you for knowing and being exactly what Claire and I have always needed.” I turn to Claire and she casts her gaze downward, as if she’s almost afraid to hear what I’m about to say. I reach across and lift up her chin so she can look me in the eye. “Claire, the love of my life and mother of my child. The owner of my heart and soul and the inspiration for every song I write. If you ever doubt how much I love you, I’ll always be there to remind you. And if I should leave this Earth before you, I’ll haunt the fuck out of you.”

“Christopher!” my mom cries.

Claire smiles as I kiss her temple and let go of her hand. Everyone looks to Joel and he smiles sheepishly.

“Thank you all for this wonderful Christmas dinner and for welcoming me into your home.” He turns to my mom and she smiles as he grabs her hand. “Jackie and I are moving in together.”

My vision goes a little blurry. “What the fuck?”

My mom shrugs as if this information is a small oversight. “It’s not a big deal. You moved out and Joel and I have been seeing each other for a few months.”

“A few months! Are you fucking kidding me?”

“Chris, your mom is allowed to have her own life,” Claire says as she takes my hand in both of her hands. “Calm down.”

I take a deep breath as I try to figure out what’s going on here. My mom must have thought introducing Joel at Christmas, when all the warm emotions were flowing freely, would make everything go smoothly. I know my mom has put off getting remarried for a long time. Part of me always suspected she did it because she didn’t want anyone to try to be my father. I guess I just got so used to her being alone, I never stopped to think that she might not want to be alone.

I let out a deep sigh. “Congratulations,” I mutter.

One of my mom’s eyebrows shoots up skeptically. “Fine. I guess I’ll accept that for now.”

We finish the rest of our dinner without any more surprises. After Claire and I finish washing the dishes, we join my mom and Joel in the living room to open gifts. My mom sits on her knees on the rug in front of the Christmas tree as she hands out gifts from Joel and her to all of us. Claire and I apologize for not getting Joel a gift, though we had no idea he existed before today. My mom loves the new laptop I got her and the sign Claire made for her office that reads: Moms make the sun and stars shine brighter. When my mom hands Claire my gift, I freeze.

She looks at me as she holds the red box in her hands. “It’s kind of heavy. Is it a photo album?”

I shake my head. “Open it and you’ll find out.”

Chapter Twenty-Two

Claire

Listen

I untie the white ribbon first then lift the lid on the shiny, red box. My stomach flips when I see the red, leather-bound book the size of a photo album. Lifting the book out of the box, I lay it on my lap and set the box on the coffee table. I’m almost afraid to open the book for fear that there are pictures of Abigail in here, but I gather my courage and slowly lift the front cover.

My chest fills with a warm sensation as I read the dedication written in Chris’s handwriting:

For Claire, the love of my life and the melody of my soul.

I turn the page and find a sheet of lined paper tucked safely beneath a thin plastic film. Scrawled in Chris’s handwriting, the way he used to write when we were in high school, is the song “Sleepyhead”—the first song he ever wrote for me.

“It’s a songbook, with every song I’ve ever written for you,” he explains. “I tried to put the original sheet of paper I wrote the song on whenever I had it available. Some of them I had to type up—well, Farrah typed them.”

I can barely breathe as I turn the pages and see the names of songs he used to sing to me before we broke up. Each song is bursting with the emotions and memories of the love we shared and lost. After about forty pages, I come to a song I don’t recognize.

“What’s this?”

“It’s the first song I wrote after we broke up.”

“Telescope”

The darkest night

The brightest light

Is still in you

You see through me

You see me through

The colors too

But you’re so far away

Distance is not my friend

So close but so far away

No light at the end

Of this telescope

The deepest truth

The hardest proof

Is still with you

You set me up

You point me out

And then you’re through

But I’m so far away

Distance is not your friend

So close, maybe I should stay

No light at the end

Of this telescope

No eye at the end

Of this telescope

“I don’t know what to say,” I whisper as I flip through the pages. “Part of me wants to read every single word and another part of me doesn’t want to know what I did to you.”

“What we did to each other. You said it before: No one knows how to love me like you and no one knows how to hurt me like you.”

“You remember that.”

“Of course, I remember, and I hope I never forget it. I hope you don’t either because the sentiment goes both ways. You shattered my heart, but only because I knew you were the only one who could fix it, and you were gone. I lost hope, but those days are over. And you remind me of that every day just in the way you look at me.”

I continue flipping through the pages and the lyrics become darker with each page I turn.

“There are over fifty songs I wrote while we were broken up, and a new song I wrote last week, but I don’t want you to read that one yet. You have to promise you won’t look at the last page in the book.”

“Are you seriously asking me not to look?”

“Chris, that’s cruel,” Jackie says, giving him a severe look of disapproval. “At least take the song out of the book if she can’t look at it.”

“No, don’t take it out. I want to see it.”

Chris laughs as he attempts to take the book out of my hands, but I tighten my grip. “Let go. I don’t want you to peek. You’re not ready to see it yet.”

“I hate you,” I mutter as I let go of the book and he sets it down gently inside the red box.

“I hate you harder.”

I look at Jackie and we exchange a look because we both know it’s time for me to give Chris his gift. Suddenly, my stomach cramps up with nerves and Chris can sense the shift.

“What’s going on? Are you two keeping a secret from me?”

Jackie raises an eyebrow, trying to look unimpressed with Chris’s deductive reasoning skills. She takes a seat on the arm of the chair where Joel is seated and it warms my heart to see him instinctively lean in toward her. But I’m still nervous as hell.

“I’ll be right back,” I say as I stand from the sofa and retrieve Chris’s car keys from the table by the front door.

“Where are you going? The mall is closed,” Chris teases me, but I’m too nervous to acknowledge his joke as I walk outside and close the front door behind me.

As soon as I look out, I’m mesmerized by the fine layer of snow that covers everything from the front lawn and down to the end of the street. I quickly open the door to call Chris and he’s just inside the door putting his coat on.

“It’s snowing,” I say excitedly.

“I can see that.”

He follows me outside with my coat in his hands and I slip my arms into the sleeves as he holds it up for me.

“Come with me,” I say, taking his hand and yanking him toward the driveway where his Porsche is parked.

I deactivate the alarm and he laughs. “Are we going somewhere?”

“This is where I hid your gift.”

“You hid my Christmas gift in my car?”