“But you still hope.”

“I have to hope. But that’s all I allow myself to do. I can’t let it influence my daily life.” Her smile felt artificial. How many times have I stated that sentence?

Will Mason get tired of watching me struggle?

“What’s the worst thing Jayne has done to your life?” Mason settled back against the headboard and wrapped an arm around her shoulders, guiding her to nestle against him. She moved into his solid chest and felt his warmth spread through her. His desire to hear about her sister made her throat swell with gratitude. She rarely shared her past with her coworkers or acquaintances. A small part of her was terrified to talk about the black hole that ate away at her heart. Mason didn’t seem to mind.

“By the time we were in high school, I had the reputation of the good student. I focused on school and my job. I liked student council and clubs that carried a bit of a geek reputation with them. Jayne was an average student and didn’t get involved with any school activities. She was all about her circle of friends and chasing guys.”

“Did you have the same circle of friends?”

“Jayne didn’t like to share her friends. Which was fine with me. She was drawn to drama, which I saw attracted a different breed of girl. There was usually a cruel streak in them. I selected my friends carefully. They had to be strong enough to see through Jayne’s manipulation.”

“I bet she hated that,” Mason observed.

Ava laughed. “Oh, yes. And a girl who didn’t fall for it became a victim of scorn from Jayne. ‘You don’t like me? Well, you must be stupid’ was the gist of her reasoning.”

“I know a few adults who still think like that,” stated Mason. “If you don’t fall for their bullshit, then you’re screwed up and not worth associating with.”

“One time during our freshman year, I started getting some odd attention from two senior guys. Freaky stuff. Like long stares and suggestive movements with their tongues as they passed me in the hallway.”

“Oh, shit. I don’t want to know where this is going,” muttered Mason.

Ava didn’t stop. “One day one of them stopped behind me as I was at my locker. He braced his hand on the wall and leaned close, whispering some nasty sexual crap in my ear about what he’d like me to do to him.”

“Did you elbow him in the gut?” Mason shifted on the bed, her story agitating him.

Ava could hear the boy’s voice and smell his breath like it’d just happened. The cafeteria had served tacos for lunch that day. “I turned around and shoved him away. He called me a slut and whore and stomped off. I remember shaking, watching him walk away with anger radiating around him.”

“He thought you were Jayne?”

“No.” Ava paused, her mouth feeling dry. She took a sip from the cup of long-cold decaf on her nightstand. “When it happened again that same day with a different guy, I flat-out demanded why he would ask me to give him a blow job. He told me that some friend of his claimed I would do it. Just like I’d done for the friend, because I enjoyed it.

“I told him I’d never given that guy a blow job. He asked if I was Ava McLane.” She shuddered. “That’s when it hit me. Jayne was in an ‘embrace the glory of being a twin’ cycle. She was wearing her hair like mine and dressing like me. Apparently she’d decided to use my name when it came to sucking off guys after school.”

“Holy Christ. She admitted it?”

Ava nodded.

“What did you say to her?”

“I blew up and made her cry.”

“Did it do any good?”

She smiled, knowing he was attempting to lighten the moment. “About as well as you think it did.”

“Where was your mother during these times?”

“She worked full time and she didn’t have the energy to deal with Jayne. I usually hid most of Jayne’s behaviors from her. I rarely ratted her out.”

“She was already flirting with danger,” Mason pointed out. “Who knows what some of those older guys were capable of?”

“I couldn’t see that back then. Twenty-twenty hindsight, you know.”

He tightened his arm around her shoulders and didn’t say anything more. Ava was grateful for his restraint in his analysis of Jayne. Her ex in LA had frequently lectured her on Jayne even though Jayne had lived almost a thousand miles away and rarely stuck her nose in Ava’s business. Part of her wished for those days when there had been a greater physical distance between the two of them. Moving to Portland had been a bit of a crazy idea five years ago. As usual she’d hoped Jayne had changed, but her expectations had been ground to dust.

“I’m glad you moved to Portland, Special Agent McLane,” he said close to her ear.

Ava closed her eyes and let all thoughts flow out of her brain except her feelings toward the man beside her. His touch instantly settled her jarred nerves.

“Me, too. Want me to show you how glad I am?” She ran inquisitive fingers down his chest.

“More than you know.”

20

Troy stopped to ponder his dilemma. Had her voice fed the mass in his brain? Or had the mass come first? He’d first heard her voice that violent day when everything changed. Had the tumor already been present? Had it been a small seed, waiting for the right nutrition to grow? Her voice had gotten louder and more distinct over the years. But it’d escalated in the last twelve months, along with his eyesight problems and headaches.