“Wait,” he said. “One quick thing. Since he’s a hedge fund guy, he may be the type that likes emailing and texting all day, so don’t do that with him. At least, not too much.”

“Why not?”

“You need to make him work for you,” he said. “He needs to call and show up in person. Plus, for whatever reason, you and emails don’t tend to do well when it comes to relationships.”

“They work with you.”

“I’m an exception.” He laughed. “Don’t send him an email or get involved in too much texting until you’ve been dating him for a few weeks, okay? Trust me.”

“Okay. I’ll talk to you later.” I ended the call and returned outside to Simon.

“Ready for coffee?” He asked.

“Yep.”

“You know,” he said as we stepped onto the sidewalk, “I wanted to text you before coming over here, but I’m an old school guy at heart, and I don’t like too many digital things in a real relationship. I hope you’re okay with that.”

I smiled. I couldn’t wait to tell Hayden.

“I’m more than okay with that.”

Break Up #9

The One That Sent An Email/The One That Almost Got Italian DInner

Penelope

Back Then

Subject: Us

Dear Penelope,

I’ve been thinking A LOT lately, and these past few months with you have been pretty fucking awesome.

I really like your vibe and all, but I don’t think that this long-distance thing will work for me.

You spend more time at practice/on the ice than you do with me, and I don’t think I’m built for all the traveling you do, so yeah …

I don’t want us to be over AT ALL, I’m just asking for some space until you have more time for me.

Good luck at Skate Canada next month.

Ryan

 

* * *

 

Subject: Fwd: Us

Yo.

You think this was a good enough message to end things with Miss ‘Too Good to Fuck’?

Kind of feel bad since she’s a nice girl, but she was on some bullshit “7 date rule” and didn’t even offer to suck my dick while I waited on her to give me the pussy. (Took her out to eat five times and she didn’t even think about giving me her mouth once.)

If she’d done that, maybe I’d have more of an incentive to stop messing around with Maya.

Let me know if you’re still planning to head to the Alpha Party tonight.

I’m going to Maya’s first.

Ryan

 

* * *

 

Hayden’s lips turn up into a smirk as he reads over my ex’s accidental email for the third time in a row. He’s read it in a different accent each time—Russian, British, Italian, as if that somehow softens the impact of the words.

“Okay,” he says, returning my phone. “I think that’s enough. There’s only thing left for me to say about this breakup.”

“Don’t you dare say it, Hayden.” I narrow my eyes at him. “Keep that shitty-ass line of commentary to yourself.”

“Why?” He smiles. “He’s been calling your relationship ‘long-distance’ when you live thirty minutes away from each other. That was a red-flag from day one.”

“I still don’t want to hear you say it. Not right now.”

“Okay, well—” He taps his fingers against the steering wheel. “I won’t dare hurt your feelings any further by saying, I fucking told you so.”

“Ugh.” I roll my eyes. “Thanks for being so mature.”

“You’re welcome. For the record, the next time a guy tells you that he needs space, he’s just trying to be gentle about breaking up with you.”

“Noted.” I look outside the window, wondering if he’s ever going to start the car.

We’ve been sitting here for hours.

“How much longer do we have to sit here and stare at your ex-girlfriend’s house?” I ask.

“She was never my girlfriend,” he says. “I just liked her a lot.”

I tap my foot.

The woman in question is—well, was, a member of his app team. And she’s the first woman who managed to get him to go out on ten dates in a row.

A record that will probably never be broken.

“I just don’t understand why we’re sitting out here staring at a house,” I say. “Like—”

“She’s in there fucking the new guy I just hired to the team.” He interrupts. “He’s engaged and she’s fucking him. I had my suspicions, but I needed to see it for myself.”

I look over and notice that the red Bronco from his other teammate is parked on the side of the street.

“I was planning to make her an Italian dinner if I was wrong about it,” he says. “Oh well.”

“All those grocery bags in the back were for her? Not you?”

He doesn’t answer me.

“Do you want me to give you some breakup advice?” I ask.

“Not at all, Penelope.”

“I’m going to give you some anyway.” I clear my throat.

“I think that we should drive to Wal-Mart and buy the best brand of box cutters.” I look at him. “Then we should slash her and the new guy’s tires. After that, you should send his fiancee an anonymous text via the Block Sender app with a picture of his car parked in her driveway. Then you should fire her via text with the same thoughtfulness that she gave you, and after that, you can use all those groceries to make me an Italian dinner. I’ll probably feel starved by then.”

“Are you being serious, Pen?” He looks at me like I’ve lost my mind. “That is by far the pettiest, immaturely stinted, and ridiculous advice that you could ever give someone in this situation.”

“I didn’t mean for it to come off that way,” I say. “I know that you'd never do any of that. I was trying to lighten the mood and make you laugh.”

“There’s nothing funny about this,” he says, pausing. “Because we don’t need to go all the way to Wal-Mart for a great box cutter. The gas station around the corner sells plenty of those.”

“Oh?” I smile. “Do you already have the Block Sender App, then?”

“I will in a few seconds.” He hands me his cell phone. “Download that for me, please.”

“Will do. Um, does this mean that you’re making me the Italian dinner once we’re finished? Are we following that part of my suggestion, too?”

“Don’t fucking push it.”

Ten

Present Day

Hayden

Hell Has Frozen Over: Hayden Hunter is Actually Apologizing

* * *

 

Hayden Hunter, Untamed Playboy of Manhattan, Recent Revealer of D*ck Pics, Wants Us to Know He’s “Sorry” Now

* * *

 

The Allure of Handwritten Letters: How Hayden Hunter Is Bringing It Back to Life