DA: I’m well aware of this. Last time I checked, I wasn’t an idiot.

BD [Reading]: The Shift, the return of magic to our technological civilization is an example of such correction. The correction isn’t instant but gradual, which is why we’re now experiencing magic waves with periods of technology in between. That is also why magic destroys objects with a high technological concentration, such as tall buildings, aircraft, and computers.

DA: Bruce, my time is valuable. Get to the fucking monkey.

BD [Reading]: Second, the Shift isn’t the first such correction our world has experienced. Evidence suggests that several advanced civilizations existed in pre-history, based on the practice of magic, and that they obtained a level of knowledge and innovation at least equal to or surpassing our own. They had experienced their own Shift, which brought waves of technology and ultimately resulted in their demise. This is known as the Second Shift Theory.

DA: You’re doing this on purpose.

BD: Yes, you asked me to do this, I dropped everything, and now you’re going to sit and listen to my damn report.

DA: You always did love the sound of your own voice.

BD: And thirty years later you still can’t pay attention to the lecture. I’m still doing your fucking homework for you, Damian.

DA: That is a lie, and you know it. I did my own damn homework. It’s your job to investigate. It’s my job to decide what to do about your findings.

BD: Oh no, I’m losing my train of thought due to the constant interruptions. I think I’m going to have to start from the beginning.

DA: I already know this. The kid knows this. Tim, is any of this news to you or were you awake during the classes at the Academy?

TH: No, Grand Master. Yes, Grand Master.

DA: Tim, tell me who Roland is.

TH: He’s an exceptionally powerful wizard born in the prehistoric times when magic civilizations flourished. It’s rumored that he is the basis for Biblical figure of Nimrod, the man who built the Tower of Babel. When the first Shift destroyed the magic civilization, Nimrod went into hibernation. The current Shift woke him up and he took the name Roland. He possesses god-like powers, he uses blood magic, and he may have created vampires. He seeks world dominion and is classified as extraordinarily hostile.

BD: How is it you have a kid who uses words like flourished? Give him to me, he’s too smart for you.

DA: Get your own smart kid. This one is mine. Just give me the CliffNotes version, Bruce.

BD: Fine. Think of magic as water and technology as a dam holding it back. A little bit of water always flows through, but it’s barely a trickle. Then we have the Industrial Revolution, a couple of World Wars, and the Space Race, and information technology. The more we progress, the greater is the pressure on the dam, until eventually the damn thing starts cracking. We think it really started sometime in the ‘70s, when all that psychic crap hit.

So, the magic keeps leaking through the cracks, the cracks widen, and eventually Roland wakes up, probably sometime in the ‘90s. He crawls out of whatever cave he was sleeping in and starts running around waiting for the dam to break. Which we know it did, and we have our apocalypse.

Nobody exactly knows what happened to Roland in the past, but it was some heavy shit, because the man is unhinged. Mad genius, megalomaniac wizard, crazy cosmic powers, the whole enchilada. He’s obsessed with rebuilding his ancient kingdom, the Shinar. He settles in Ohio, creates the People, and sets about building the foundation for his kingdom.

Shortly after the Shift, he meets a woman, Kalina, and falls in love with her. She becomes pregnant, and at first, he’s happy, but then he decides to kill the child in the womb.

DA: Why?

BD: He’s had children in the past, and it didn’t go well. They were powerful and every one of them died or turned against him and then died. No one knows how many of his own kids he murdered.

DA: Clearly, father of the year material.

BD: Kalina had other ideas. She somehow seduced Roland’s warlord and ran off with him. Magic may have been involved. Roland chased them. At some point she gave birth to a girl. Roland caught up with them, so she gave the baby to the warlord and confronted her husband to buy them time. She did a damn good job, by all accounts. Bought her daughter twenty-five years before Roland learned of her.

DA: What happened to Kalina?

BD: She stabbed Roland in the eye, and he killed her.

DA: This has turned into a lifetime movie.

BD: Do you even know where that saying comes from?

DA: Yes, do you?

BD: Timothy, bonus question. Where does the phrase lifetime movie come from?

TH: Lifetime was a basic cable channel that provided programing targeted toward women and featuring women in leading roles. Lifetime’s original content included made for TV movies, which often portrayed women overcoming adversity resulting from men’s actions.

BD: I’ll trade you Lisa for him.

DA: Pass. What happened with the girl and the warlord?