‘For what?’

‘For sharing Black Box with your sister.’ He takes a beat as I try to think of a response. ‘And for giving me the best night of my life.’

I definitely don’t know how to respond to this, so I kiss him. An easy, tender kiss that slowly becomes hungrier and I find myself leaning hard against him, pushing him into the counter as I try to get more out of this kiss. But he hardly moves. He’s solid as a stone wall; a stone wall with very kissable lips.

‘Lay with me,’ I whisper into his mouth. ‘Please.’

Chapter 35: CRUSH – January 5th

She leads me by the hand to her bedroom, keeping her face forward so I can’t read her expression. I have to keep reminding myself to temper this longing that keeps growing inside me. Though I know I won’t go any further than where she’s comfortable going, I still don’t want her to get the impression that I’m frustrated or disappointed with her because of this. She switches the light on as we enter the bedroom then turns around to face me once we’re standing next to the bed.

‘I know it’s probably not a big deal to you, but this is huge for me.’

‘You don’t have to explain.’

She holds up her hand to stop me. ‘I know I don’t have to explain. I want to. I just . . . I’ve never had a boyfriend. I’ve never slept in a bed . . . with a guy. The fact that I fell asleep with you on the couch is amazing and a testament to how safe I feel when I’m with you. I’ve never even laid down with a guy, other than you. I’ve always made out with guys while sitting up and the moment they try to force me down I kick them out.’

‘I’m serious. You don’t have to explain.’

‘Shut up. I’m trying to say something.’ I press my lips together to hold my tongue and she continues. ‘I just want to lie next to you. It’s such a normal nothing sort of thing, but it’s huge for me and I just want to do that. But . . . I need you to just lay still and talk to me. Even with the lights on, I think I still need to just hear your voice. Can you do that or is that too weird?’

‘It’s just weird enough to make me fall a little more in love with you.’ I grab her hand to stop her as she heads for the other side of the bed. ‘Thank you for trusting me.’

She nods as she lets go of my hand. I wait for her to reach the other side and lie down before I do. Once we’re both settled onto the bed, I decide it’s time to start talking.

‘Can I tell you about Jordan?’

‘I would love for you to tell me about Jordan.’

I smile at the ceiling as the first memory comes to me. ‘We grew up together like brothers. My mom and his mom had us three months apart – he was three months younger. When I was six, I had this pair of overalls that were my favorite. My mom hated them. They must have been a present from someone because she was always dressing me in polo shirts. I remember this one time, I put on my overalls and Jordan and I went out to the pond on the north side of the property and I waded into the pond, hoping to catch some fish in my overalls and take them home to keep as pets.

‘I ended up going out a bit too far and breathing in some of the scummy pond water. Jordan pulled me out and laughed at me as I cried and basically hacked up a lung. I ended up getting pneumonia from the bacteria in the water and Jordan asked his mom, my Aunt Deb, to buy me a get-well fish. I had my pet goldfish Guppy for three years before he went belly-up.’

I know she wants me to be still, but she’s being so quiet that I have to turn my head to look at her. She’s staring at the ceiling with tears streaming down her temples.

‘What’s wrong?’

‘Just keep talking.’

I draw in a deep breath and focus on the ceiling again. ‘One of my favorite memories of Jordan is the time we ditched class our freshman year and went to hang out at Harvard. We joked that we were going to find us some Harvard girls to be our sugar-mommas. Once we got there and realized how scrawny we were compared to all the guys there, we decided to just sneak into the music hall and sit in the back and smoke a joint.’ I smile as I think of that day and how such a simple decision changed my life. ‘As soon as we walked in there and found a place to sit in the back, both of us forgot about smoking. We were mesmerized by the music. So mesmerized, we didn’t see the music teacher, Professor Whitman, sneak up on us from behind. Whitman threatened to call our parents until I told him I was only there because I was trying to scope out the program.’

I don’t know what I said, but Mikki chooses this moment to reach across and grab my hand. I give her hand a reassuring squeeze and continue.

‘He told me the only way he’d believe me is if I played something on the piano. He got on stage, stopped the concerto, and announced to the entire music hall why I was there and what I was going to do. There were dozens of people in the seats and on all sides of me, holding their instruments and waiting for me to fuck up so they could go on with their session.’ I pause as I remember how nervous I was, shaking from head to toe as I slid onto that piano bench. ‘I took a seat at the piano and began playing ‘In A Sentimental Mood’ by Art Tatum. When I finished, the entire hall was completely silent, until Jordan pumped his fist in the air and shouted, “That’s my boy!”’

‘What happened with the professor?’

‘He asked me to audition for a scholarship, but I told him I didn’t need one. I told him who my dad was and he understood. But he kept in touch with me over the years and I’ve been in about eight of his classes. Whitman’s one of the few people I can talk to about music who not only knows what the fuck I’m talking about, but who totally understands how it makes me feel.’

She laces her fingers through mine, then seems to second-guess this and lets go of my hand. I try not to feel disappointed, but it’s hard when I’ve become so accustomed to the feeling of her delicate hand in mine. Just as I open my mouth to continue talking, the bed bounces a little and she scoots in next to me to rest her head on my shoulder. I wrap my arm around her shoulders and resist the urge to kiss the top of her head, even though her hair smells so good. It’s one of my favorite things about her. I don’t know what kind of stuff she uses for her sensitive skin, but I’m going to have to make sure she’s stocked up.

‘Keep talking.’ She mutters her command into my shirt.

I tell her a few more stories about Jordan. By the time I’m done telling her the one about the time Jordan and I stole one of my dad’s cars to go to Dairy Queen, I’m pretty certain she’s asleep. I kiss the top of her head, breathing in her clean scent, and her fingers curl around the fabric of my shirt.

‘Do you want me to go back to my room?’ I whisper.

She’s silent for a moment, then she uncurls her fist from my shirt. I can feel her heart pounding against my chest. I want to get up and leave so she doesn’t feel like she has to put herself through this.

She sits up suddenly and her nose and eyes are rimmed pink, but her face is dry. She must have stopped crying a while ago.

‘No, I don’t want you to go.’ Her hands are clasped in her lap and she stares down at them for a moment before she continues. ‘Can you sit up and face that way?’

She points at the wall on my left. I sit up immediately and swing my legs over the side of the bed so I’m facing away from her toward the wall.

‘Can you . . . can you take off your shirt?’

She whispers this and I can hear the shame she feels for asking me to do something so simple, as if I haven’t already seen her without a shirt three times in her life. I pull my shirt off slowly and toss it onto the carpet.

‘Just please stay still.’

The mattress shifts as I imagine she’s crawling toward me. I can feel the heat of her body behind me, though she hasn’t touched me. Then I feel her fingers on my right bicep, light as a soft breeze. She traces her fingers over the curves of my arms and I glance to the right to see what it looks like. She’s tracing the lines of muscles, as if she’s trying to become acquainted with them, so she doesn’t have to fear them.

Removing her fingers, she sits back for a moment before she lays both her hands on my back. I try to regulate my breathing so she doesn’t see how much she’s turning me on. I expect her to begin tracing the muscles in my back, but instead I feel something else against the back of my neck. Once I feel her breath, I realize it’s her forehead.

‘Are you okay?’

She nods and her forehead rubs against my nape, sending a chill through me. From the way her breath hits my back, I can see she’s trying to calm herself, too, though probably for much different reasons. Finally, she lifts her head off my neck and her hands begin to explore my back. She traces the fingertips of her right hand lightly down my spine and I begin to relax again. After a few minutes, she wraps her arms around my waist and lays her cheek against my back. We sit like this for a few minutes while I think of how lucky I am to be the one person she trusts this way and how I can’t ever do anything to fuck that up.

She lets go of me and I smile when she lays a tender kiss on the back of my shoulder. There’s more movement on the bed and I imagine this is as far as it will go tonight. Then I feel a whoosh of air as her shirt flies past me, landing on the carpet next to mine, followed closely by her bra.

‘Turn around, please.’

Chapter 36: MIKKI – January 5th

His skin is so smooth and warm against my cheek. The soft thump of his heartbeat is comforting. Just sitting here, holding him like this, reminds me of summers swimming in Uncle Cort’s pool when I was a kid. Grabbing onto the blow-up dolphin as I wrapped my arms around it, I’d close my eyes as I laid my cheek against the warm vinyl and float; no fear of sinking, just letting the water carry me.

It’s not just people who change. The world changes when we change. You can’t deny it or prevent it. The minute you glimpse a future that isn’t entirely filled with loneliness and despair, the world becomes a different place. Maybe the world isn’t black. Maybe it’s more like a murky gray with flashes of color here and there. Blink and you’ll miss them.

I breathe in the scent of his skin one last time before I release him. Scooting back on the bed, I sit on my feet and marvel for a moment at the definition of the muscles in his back and arms. It may sound stupid, but it fills me with pride. Like he was built this strong to protect me.

My heart pounds painfully against my ribcage as I reach for the hem of my shirt. I close my eyes as I slowly pull it over my head and toss it onto the floor next to Crush’s shirt. With his back to me, I can’t see his reaction, so I seize this small moment of courage and quickly tear off my bra.

It’s not like he’s never seen me naked, but it was never my choice for him to see me like that. My hands are shaking again and I can feel the tears stinging the corners of my eyes. I ball my fists at my sides and take a few deep breaths to get a hold of myself.

‘Turn around, please.’

I whisper this request so softly, I’m not sure he heard me, until he slowly begins to turn around. I force myself to hold my hands at my sides instead of using them to cover myself up, the way I desperately want to.

‘What do you want me to do?’ His voice is soft and some of the tension in my stomach eases. ‘Just say the word.’

I open my eyes and he’s looking at my face, his gaze so reassuring. I lift my hands and reach for him and he gently takes me in his arms. The moment my chest touches his, I feel as if I’ve been electrocuted. A surge of physical pain lights up every nerve in my body, but it only lasts a split second. It’s the fear. I hold on tighter, burrowing my face into the crook of his neck and he slowly tightens his hold on me.

‘Is this okay?’ he murmurs.

‘Yes.’