Seven

SITTING PARLOR

FIFTH AVENUE, NEW YORK CITY

13 JANUARY 1889

Sunshine spilled across the Turkish rug in Lady Everleigh’s sitting parlor like an upturned bottle of brandy. Its warmth filled me almost as much as the spirit was known to do. Wadsworth and I were both indulging in an afternoon of reading. It had been four days of leisure in her grandmother’s home, and I couldn’t get enough of spending time with her, doing the most mundane things. She was consumed by some scientific journal on engineering, and I was thoroughly enjoying the first in a new romance by one of my favorite authors. The only thing missing was the affection of a small pet. I was partial to cats, but dogs were agreeable too. I wasn’t sure if it was possible to be more content, but—

“We need to discuss Mephistopheles.”

And there went my day. Five words I’d like forever stricken from the world. I plastered on a lazy grin and set my book down. I could be rational and civil, especially after the olive branch the ringmaster had offered before parting. I was almost certain of it.

“All right. I’ll go first.” She looked hesitant at my enthusiastic tone but nodded. My grin widened. “If you think there is a universe that exists where I haven’t fantasized a hundred different ways I’d like to test my scalpels on him, I don’t believe you know me at all, dear Wadsworth. I have never longed to spill blood the way I did when I saw what he tried to do to you. There.” I exhaled loudly. “I feel much better.”

I realized my hands were fisted and concentrated on steadying my emotions. I took a deep breath and rolled my shoulders back. When I looked at her again, I expected to see fear. I’d shattered a wall I’d been building for nearly a decade, and all the ugly parts of myself were now exposed. I was startled to see the tenderness in her features. Might as well reveal the entire beast now. She had a right to see me at my worst and then choose whether to leave.

“I can only imagine the sweet taste of joy it would bring, destroying that which tried destroying me. Every day I fight to keep that monster caged. It would be far too easy to succumb to those desires and slaughter everyone who irked me.”

I waited for her to bolt from the room, to grab her cane and bash me with it while screeching about a madman sitting in her grandmother’s parlor. She sat stoically, her expression thoughtful. Definitely not the reaction I’d been expecting.

“Since we’re being brutally honest. There’s something…” her voice trailed off as she twisted her mother’s ring. I immediately began solving equations in my head, hoping to distract myself from whatever she was about to say. She took a deep breath and met my gaze. “Ayden kissed me. The night you and I argued. It was only for a second, and I pulled away… but…” she stared down at her hands. “If it’s any comfort, I thought about hitting him.”

The numbers in my head ceased, then shattered. The room became eerily silent except for the incessant beat of my heart. I wasn’t surprised he’d tried to take advantage of her. Nor was I angry with her. I was furious that he’d purposefully waited until she was the most vulnerable to wedge himself into her heart. It was the move of a coward. I locked my jaw to keep myself from saying the wrong thing. When she glanced back up, she stiffened.

“Say something, please.”

I inhaled deeply. I wanted to make light of the situation, but we’d need to have an actual discussion sooner or later. “He’s a terrible person.” I half-smiled, pleased I was so amiable. Wadsworth’s brow knitted. “He took advantage of your inexperience. He crafted a situation where he could slip into the role of comforter and hero, all the while creating the chaos that set you on that path. I’m not mad at you, Wadsworth. But I’d love to hit Mephisto with a walking stick for being such a blackguard, even if he did make peace with me.”

She studied me carefully, her gaze cool and sharp as a blade.

“What do you want, Thomas?” she asked, her chin jutting upward. “No teasing or quips. Tell me what you truly want.”

Her question surprised me into answering without holding back.

“I want you. I want to give you pleasure, both mentally and physically all day and every night for the rest of our lives. I want to be the reason you smile.” I watched as a slight flush crept up her neck, pleased. She longed for that too, it seemed. “I want to spend hours and years of my life figuring out ways of making you happy. I want you to feel the same way about me. Not because I’ve demanded it of you, but because every piece of you longs for me. I want our passion to ignite the world around us, making even the stars jealous.”

She didn’t seem to be breathing. I worried I’d gone too far when she asked quietly. “Is there more? What of anger? Do you think we can move beyond my mistakes?”

I considered my emotions with precision. It was time to lay myself bare. “I hate that there’s a chance you might care for someone else. I’ve never despised something more in my whole existence, but I refuse to become the monster my father believes I am. I will never force myself upon you, even if some untamed, wild beast thrashes inside me, begging for a chance to destroy anyone or anything that might steal you away.”

“I am not an item to be stolen, Thomas.”

“True. But I have never known jealousy until I was introduced to it aboard the Etruria. I want to deny it, to pretend I’m some perfect, unfeeling machine who didn’t care, but that’s a vicious lie. I cared. I cared so much I wanted to punch a wall, as senseless and idiotic as that would be. I considered shoving that pompous ass of a ringmaster right off the deck, knowing I’d rejoice in his drowning. It gave me unparalleled pleasure just imagining his demise. You have no idea the strength it takes, shoving that beast inside, remembering that’s not the kind of person I want to be. Not now, or ever. I will not become a monster for you. The kind of love I crave isn’t cruel or possessive. Do not expect me to act either way. I will never beg or use subversive tactics to win your heart. I will earn it because you choose to give it to me of your own free will, or I won’t have it at all. I will never manipulate you. No one should. And if they do? They aren’t worth your time.”