He steps closer and takes my face in his hands, wiping my tears with his thumbs. “We’re going to be okay, babe. We will.” His dark eyes swirl with a hurricane of hope, regret, and determination. “We’ll just find a new normal. Maybe you can’t play guitar anymore, but damn, your paintings are incredible. That’s something totally new and unexpected, and I love sitting here watching you paint.”

“Really?”

He bends down and kisses me. “No matter what, I want you to love your life. If that means lots of new things, that’s okay. I still want to be part of all of it.” He kisses me again. “Every.” Kiss. “Single.” Kiss. “Minute.”

My chest aches with wishes for a happily ever after with him.

They say you only live once. Somehow, it seems like I’ve been given the chance to live twice.

Chapter Thirty-Six

Dear Diary,

I haven’t written in a long time. I’ve been so tired and running around nonstop. It’s amazing how fast things in my life have changed. I think it’s equally amazing how I thought I wanted something, and once I got that something, I thought I’d be totally happy. Surprise! It’s not really true. I thought I’d love being in a new rock band. I dreamt about it for a long time. It was my baby. But it’s been hard. Good too. But mostly hard.

We just got off our first tour, which was amazing. We opened for A&E, which was kinda weird and maybe not the best decision. It got us out there, though. Some are saying that Sugar Kiss is only doing good because we’re an A&E “spin off.” Some are saying it’s because I’m married to Asher Valentine. Some are saying it’s just because we’re a bunch of half-dressed hot chicks. Ugh!

Sydni, of course, is loving the attention and wears less and less on stage. I don’t want our band to have that kind of image, but she couldn’t care less. I mean, make up your mind, girl. Do you want to be a musician or a stripper? She’s having sex with everyone, and I keep telling her to calm down a little. She says I don’t understand because I’ve only been with Asher, and I haven’t experienced a variety of men. I don’t want to experience any other men. Ever.

I’m not sure why, but I’ve been feeling kinda down lately. It doesn’t make sense because I have this amazing life. I have the best friend and husband in the world, I love my daughter, I love our home, I’m proud of the band, but I still feel depressed, and I hate it because I feel like I’m being ungrateful.

I’ve been under a lot of scrutiny with the new fans and maybe I’m comparing myself to the other girls because they are all GORGEOUS and I feel like a plain Jane up there on the stage. My nose is huge and I’m not as toned as I used to be and I’m kinda tired of being a blonde and the stereotyping that comes with it. I want someone to just come and do a makeover on me.

Sometimes I wonder if maybe Asher will get bored with me. Girls are constantly throwing themselves at him and I trust him completely but I don’t want him to be bored. He’s been with only me since he was fifteen. Sydni is constantly telling me that a man like Asher needs a lot of sex, and he’s going to want to take a spin with something new once in a while. Asher would never do that but I still worry maybe he fantasizes about it. I don’t know why I’m worried about all this. I have this odd sense of foreboding that I’ve never had before, like something bad is going to happen and I’m going to lose everything.

I glance over at Asher, who’s sitting on the other end of the couch with me, rubbing my feet in his lap while he watches a John Wick movie.

“Ash…did you ever think about wanting to be with another woman? I know you said you didn’t while I was in the coma, but what about before?”

His head snaps to the right to look at me. “No. Never.”

“You never even kinda fantasized about it? Wondered what it would be like to be with someone prettier, taller, curvier, more experienced?”

“Is that in the journal?” His gaze zeroes in on the book in my hand as if it’s a weapon.

“Yeah. Apparently Sydni was telling me that you’d want to try out other women since you’ve only been with me. It says here I knew you’d never cheat, but I worried that maybe sometimes you fantasized about being with someone else.”

“Fucking Sydni.” He shakes his head and grabs the remote, hits pause on the movie, and tosses it onto the coffee table. “I’ve never fantasized about another woman, Ember. I only wanted you. I was one thousand percent happy with you. I never even watched porn. I didn’t want or need anyone else, physically or mentally. That’s what love is. Sydni wouldn’t understand love if it bit her in her crazy ass and gave her rabies.”