“That’s how I feel now. I want a baby that I remember having, and raising. I want that bond and experience. I want to feel like a family with you. Every time I see Tor and Kenzi with Tia, I want that with you. I wasn’t expecting to feel that way, but I do.”

His eyes meet mine, and they’re dark and fiery, a melting pot of emotions. “I do too. I’ve thought about it a lot over the years. It’s driven me fuckin’ crazy that I didn’t get to give you what you wanted, that we didn’t get the chance to have the new life we wanted to have. I was afraid I’d never get the chance.”

I chew my lip. “Can we still have that?”

“Of course we can. Not right away, but we can.” He shoves his hand through his hair. “I think we need more time together, just to get our foundation back, build trust, communicate. Heal. But we’ll get there.”

“I know we can’t have a baby now—that would be crazy—but I’d like to, when our relationship is stronger, and we know each other better.”

“That’s what I want, Em. I swear to you, that’s what I want. Things are different now with the band. We don’t tour that much. I’m not afraid to change things like I was when I was younger. I have a lot more time to be home with you and the baby. It’s something we can work toward together and plan. Like we wanted to back then.”

“And we have family right across the street. Won’t that be nice?” I say hopefully.

“Yeah, it really will. It’s something I thought about when Kenzi and Tor first started talking about buying that new house. Our baby would be younger than our granddaughter, though.” He lets out a laugh. “But, hey, that’s okay. My sister is Kenzi’s age, and she’s her aunt. It’s no big deal to be weird in this family.”

“Can we talk to my doctor about it? See if my body can even still get pregnant? I don’t want to get our hopes up—”

He stops me by kissing me softly. “Let’s talk to the doctor. You’ve got your appointment next week. We’ll find out more then. What’s meant to be, will be. Trust in that.”

I snuggle up in his arms. “If we did have another baby, I think I want a little boy,” I say dreamily. I can see him in my mind, an adorable little boy with shoulder-length hair, with a smile just like his daddy’s.

“Me too.”

“I already have a name picked out. Ransom. I don’t know why, but I love it.”

He hugs me tight against him. “Ransom Valentine,” he says softly. “He sounds like he’s going to be really cool with a name like that.”

“Do you like it?”

“More than you know, babe.” He kisses my cheek. “It’s perfect.”

Chapter Thirty-Seven

I’ve been cheating a little with the journals, searching the entries for information I want to have, and today I found this:

Dear Diary,

Twice a week I walk across the street to Mandy’s house, and we have tea in her kitchen and talk about normal life stuff like cooking, laundry, movies, and makeup. She treats me like I’m just a neighbor, not someone in a band, married to someone famous, and I love that about her.

Usually, I tag along when she takes her baby to the park. Mandy is only two years younger than me, and she has a baby and is already planning on getting pregnant again soon, and meanwhile, I can’t believe Kenzi is thirteen already. Where did the time go?

The more time I spend with Mandy, the more I want a life like hers. Her husband is home all the time. Their life seems so calm and like something out of a movie. I would love to have another baby now, so I can join her on our walks to the park and watch our babies grow up together. I’m tired of putting on sexy clothes and getting on stage and dealing with the drama of the other girls in the band. None of them are married, or have kids. To them, it’s just a big party and I’m not in the same place mentally at all.

I don’t enjoy touring and all the traveling anymore. It used to be exciting, but now it’s just exhausting. I miss Asher when he can’t be home, and I know Kenzi does too. He’s always being pulled in a million different directions. To the studio, to be in music videos, for promotional appearances and interviews, and charities. Everyone wants a piece of him in some way, and he never says no. He’s so nice and accommodating to everyone and I love that about him, but I miss him.

I worry about Kenzi too. We should be spending more time together as a family. She’s such a good girl, she never complains or rebels and she gets straight A’s in everything. She’s so sweet and funny. She’ll make such a great big sister. She adores Tor, and she hangs on his every word. He’s so sweet to her, and we’re so grateful he’s always there for her. I think she might have a little crush on him and I hope she doesn’t get her heart broken when she realizes it can never be. Being a young girl is hard. :( Shit, being an older girl is hard.