I tune out the rest and think of happy things, funny things, and sexy things about Bodhi. I think about getting high and painting while the music is so loud it shakes my canvas when the chorus hits its peak. Eventually, the tears dry and I bring myself to turn around again just as the doctor leaves the room.

Bodhi’s moved a chair next to his dad’s bed. He glances over at me and frowns while his brows knit together. My tears are done, but I’m sure my eyes are red and a little puffy. He holds out his hand. I press my lips together to keep the rest of myself held together as I take his hand. Bodhi pulls me onto his lap so I’m right next to Barrett’s bed.

“Those tears…” Barrett starts to speak, but his voice is weak “…better not be for me.”

I shake my head, swallowing past a lump in my throat.

“Once the doctor comes back with the prescription, we can go. Tomorrow we’ll meet with the oncologists.”

Barrett doesn’t respond to Bodhi. He just stares at me with pleading eyes.

“Did you call Bella?” Barrett asks.

“No.”

“You’d better call her, Son. If she finds out, she’ll be mad no one told her.”

Bodhi sighs.

“Go call her now. Leave me to chat with my girl here.”

I glance around at Bodhi. He waits as if I need to give him permission.

“Go. We’ll be fine.” I kiss the corner of his mouth.

He nods and I stand to let him leave then sit back in the chair next to Barrett.

“It’s time, darling.”

He really needs to stop calling me that. It’s too personal. The last thing I need to do is get more personal with a man who his hell-bent on dying.

“If your offer still stands.”

I’ve recently made more than one offer. “Which offer?”

“I need some money.”

My body relaxes. He’s choosing to fight this. After what I saw just a couple of hours ago and the grave tone of the ER doctor’s voice, I’m cautiously optimistic about his chances. But Bodhi wants him to fight, so if he’s willing to do this for his son, I’ll do whatever it takes to make it happen.

“I’ll call my mom as soon as we leave. She knows a lot of people. We’ll get you in with the best doctors and make sure you have everything you need at home, including someone qualified to tend to all of your needs. And—”

“Darling,” he cuts me off, “that’s not why I need the money.”

“Oh?” I squint.

“I need a special medication. It’s expensive. It also requires two physicians to agree that I can take it. An oral request. A written request.” He coughs a few times and adjusts his oxygen tube. “A two week waiting period. But I not only need the money for the prescription; I need you to help me find the right doctors.”

“But you have doctors. Two oncologists who are supposed to see you tomorrow.”

He eases his head side to side. “This is a faith-based hospital.”

“I … I don’t understand.”

“It’s time. It’s past time. I need doctors who believe I should have the right to die with as much dignity as possible, which…” he frowns “…isn’t much at this point.”

“Assisted suicide,” I whisper.

“They call it death with dignity. Cause of death will be cancer. It won’t be suicide.”

“But Bodhi thinks—”

“He’s delusional. He thinks what he wants to think. We’re past miracles. I’m just tired, Henna.”

“He’ll hate me.”

“He won’t have to know. And don’t tell me you have to tell him. You don’t. He won’t ask. He’ll think I died in my sleep. It’s not a lie. That’s how I’ll die.”

I’ll always know. Will I be able to take this secret to my grave too?

“Please.”

I hug my arms to my chest, feeling a little cold—probably my body going into shock. After a few agonizing moments, I nod.

“Thank you, darling. And I need one more favor.” He reaches for my hand and I give it to him.

As if death isn’t enough.

“I want to see your mom. Privately.”

My eyes narrow just as Bodhi comes back into the room. Barrett squeezes my hand like he’s trying to squeeze an answer out of me. I nod again just before standing.

“Bella is flying home next week. I told her it wasn’t necessary, but she insisted.”

“Good.” Barrett nods. “I want to see her before … I start treatment.”

My gut clenches. This is how it’s going to be. He’s going to lie to his family because he can’t trust them to support his decision to die with dignity.

“Well, the doctor called in your prescription. She’ll be in to discharge you, and we’ll stop on the way home and get it.”

Barrett attempts a smile, but it looks like a grimace.

“I’m going to…” I point toward the door “…hang out in the waiting room while you help your dad get dressed.”

Bodhi bends down to press a kiss to my cheek. “Thank you for everything.”

Don’t thank me.

“Of course.”

And if the truth comes out, please don’t hate me.

CHAPTER FORTY-ONE

I call my mom to see when she can fly back to Colorado to see Barrett. I have no idea what he wants, but his privately comment left me feeling like I wasn’t supposed to know. Then I ask my mom for the biggest favor ever.

“You want me to help Barrett kill himself? No. I can’t do that, Henna.”

I put my phone on speaker and set it by my bed as I dig into my gummies. It’s time to numb some of this fucking pain after two very long days. “Were you not here yesterday? Did you not see what happened? Had you been at their house today…” closing my eyes, I take a deep inhale and wonder if I will ever forget what I saw happen to Barrett “…you would understand. You would see that he’s miserable. In pain. Embarrassed. And just … done.”

“Henna …”

“Since I’ve been home, I’ve been researching this online. There’s a process. It could take two weeks anyway. Two more weeks of him being in so much pain. And he has to have two doctors sign off and one send in a prescription. They won’t do it unless they believe he’s terminal with six months or less to live. And they won’t do it unless they believe he’s psychologically competent to make this decision and physically capable to do it when the time comes.”

I don’t tell her they strongly suggest he inform and discuss this with his family.

“Do you know what you’re asking?”

“Yes. I know. I’m not asking you to kill him. He’s going to die. I’m not asking you to do anything illegal. You’ll have this on your conscience for a while, but I’m risking the most. I’m risking losing Bodhi. Yet, I’m willing to because …” I blink back the pain. “If you would have seen him today …” I swipe my finger along the corner of my eye.

“Okay.”

“Okay?”

“Yes. I’m trusting you, Henna. If you believe this is for the best. I trust you.”

I’m twenty-one. A part-time pot user. And I paint and draw shit all day. Should anyone trust me?

“Thank you.”

“I’ll make a few calls.”

“Love you.”

There’s a moment’s pause on the line. “I love you too. And I’m sorry.”

“For what?”

“You will lose him if he finds out.”

I sniffle and rub my eyes. “I know.”

*

Bodhi takes Barrett to see the oncologists. He doesn’t ask me to go. That’s fine. I’m not sure I want to be in the room for that discussion.

When they get home, Bodhi helps Duke with the horses. They had an above average day with the tourists. I hang out with Barrett and start dinner. We’re trying broth for him.

“What did the oncologists say? Bodhi seemed like he didn’t want to talk about it, so I didn’t ask.”

Barrett sips some cannabis tea I brought him. “They had pretty good news.”

“Oh yeah?” I glance over my shoulder from the stove.

He sets his tea on the table with a shaky hand. “They gave me three to four months to live—with treatment.”

I frown. “That’s good news?”

“It is for me.”

I turn back toward the stove.

“You think I’m being harsh?”

I shrug. “Not necessarily. I think you’re resigned to …”

“Reality?”

I nod.

He’s had two doctors tell him he has less than six months to live. That’s what he needs to make an oral request for physician-assisted death. Of course it’s good news to him.

“How did Bodhi react?”

“He thinks I should have the surgery and get opinions from other doctors. He’s holding out for a miracle. I don’t exactly hate him for that.”

“So … how are you going to hold off on the surgery?”

“I told him I wanted to wait until Bella comes to visit. That will buy me a week. If I can convince her to stay for a week and not end up in the hospital again, that will get me my prescription. But I need other doctors. I already know mine won’t do it. Religious reasons.”