“Yes, ma’am. Do you have my number? I’d be happy to meet you in the parking lot when you pick up a shift. It’s not safe for ladies to be walking alone at night.”

I gave him a side-glance. “Have you met me, Drew?”

He chuckled. “Once or twice.” He paused while he decided if he was going to say the next part. “I’d still feel better about it. If you don’t mind.”

“Okay. I’ll call ahead.”

He smiled, relieved. “Thank you, Mrs. Maddox.”

“Cami,” I reminded him.

Drew turned right, toward the entrance, and I went left to the east bar. Shayla was already stocking beer in the coolers. She was high-strung but worked fast enough to keep up with the east bar’s traffic.

She sighed. “Did Natasha call in sick again?”

“She did.”

“Hank’s going to fire her.”

“I doubt it.”

“He misses team Cami and Raegan. He tells us all the time.”

“That’s non-productive,” I said, pouring a bucket of ice into the last cooler.

“I don’t blame him. I like working with you, too.”

I smiled. It was nice to feel needed, even if I was spread a little thin the past few years with Jim. I’d made sure he was in bed before I left, propping his cane against the wall next to his bed and setting a cup of ice water on his nightstand. Night-lights lit the way from his room to the bathroom, but I still worried. Jim was like a father to me; he was the only one I had. My alcoholic, abusive father had died years before from cirrhosis of the liver. I didn’t miss him, but Mom moved to Ohio with my oldest brother and his family, and the rest of my brothers were scattered all over the country.

I was lucky to have a family like the Maddoxes, but I was desperate to keep Jim as long as possible. His health had declined in the past few years and had me worried. I wanted to give him a grandchild and for him or her to know Jim; to remember him. It seemed no matter how many vitamins I gave him every morning, how many walks we went on, or how healthy I cooked for him, we couldn’t fight time. The hardest part was that he was embracing it. He looked forward to seeing his wife again, and it felt self-serving to beg him to try harder.

The DJ started up the sound system and checked the mics, making me snap out of my stare off with the beer cooler.

“You okay?” Shayla said. She was staring at me like I was nuts. She was barely twenty-one and had no way to relate to what I was feeling, so I kept it to myself.

Jorie sauntered by, her eyes lighting up when she saw me. She wouldn’t stay long. She was seven months pregnant and was concerned about the loud music affecting the baby. “Cami!” She rounded the bar and threw her arms around me.

“You look great,” I said, feeling both happy for her and guilty for my envy. Liis, Abby, and Jorie were all pregnant at the same time, and every month when I looked down at my negative pregnancy test, I thought of them. I didn’t want to be envious. I didn’t want to be angry that it was so easy for them and so far had been impossible for me. I didn’t want to hate them a little bit, but I did. Desperation created its own emotions.

“Thanks,” she said, looking down and running her hand over her baby bump. Her gaze returned to mine. “You look tired. Everything okay?”

I rolled my eyes, shoving two more beer bottles in the bucket of ice. “Tired is code for you look like shit.”

“No. Your eyes are bloodshot. You have circles under your eyes. Your shoulders are sagging. So … I take it back. You do look like shit.”

I chuckled at her bluntness. One of the many reasons I loved her. “We got some bad news today.”

She gasped. “Jim?”

“No. Thomas …” I trailed off, unsure what to say. My brother-in-law being shot was so unbelievable. There were FBI agents at Jim’s asking us to keep it quiet. “… was in an accident.”

“Oh, fuck!” she said, touching her belly. “He’s going to be all right, though, right?”

“We’re waiting. We don’t have a lot of information yet, but they say it’s bad.”

“Who’s they?”

I paused. “Liis.”

Jorie covered her mouth, her eyes glossing over. “Oh, Liis.” She hugged me as if she were hugging Thomas’s girlfriend. It felt strange because, at one time, I was. Her reaction brought long buried feelings to the surface. I’d been worried for Trenton and Jim but hadn’t taken a moment to really understand my own emotions. Thomas was my first love, and at one time, we considered me moving out to California to take it to the next level. And then … Trenton came along. Thinking back, Trenton and I made much more sense, and Thomas was perfect with Liis. But it took several years for all of us to work it out in our hearts and minds. In that moment, hugging Jorie, I was right back where I started … loving them both.

I released her; even though Jorie’s soft curves were comforting. She might have been curvier than she used to be, but she still had long, platinum blond hair. Instead of black peek-a-boo streaks, her style now featured teal tips. She would be the kind of mother I wanted to be: maternal, wild, fierce, and fun. I just had to get pregnant.

She wiped her eyes and then waved goodbye, retreating to Hank’s office to get another hug before going home.

“Wow,” Shayla said, her eyes wide. “What did you say to her?”

“My brother-in-law was in an accident.” Fuck. Now, it felt weird to say brother-in-law. Even having confusing feelings felt like a betrayal to Trenton. I cared about Thomas and loved him once. Now, my love for him was in the realm of how I felt about any of Trenton’s brothers. But losing him was a very real possibility—at least, according to the federal agents at Jim’s. I remembered the times we’d laughed and talked about our deepest thoughts and feelings. We’d created a bond before I’d ever fallen in love with Trenton, and that was a strange place to be in. I wanted to pull out my phone and text Trenton to work out the thoughts spinning in my head, but there was too much to do before the doors opened.

“Oh, damn. I’m sorry. Did Jorie know him?”

“Yeah,” I said, being vague on purpose. I didn’t want to explain how Jorie knew him when we were dating. I understood how on the outside looking in, the whole situation was very incriminating. It was hard to explain the way I felt about Thomas without sounding like those feelings betrayed Trenton. In truth, I loved my husband more than I’d loved anyone, including Thomas. Trenton got me in a way no one else did, and he loved me more than anyone else had. Even if the tables were turned, and Trenton had the accident and Liis had never come along, I still wouldn’t turn to Thomas. Now that Trenton had shown me what love was, I knew that wasn’t what Thomas and I had. My feelings ran deep, and something about him was hard to shake, but Trenton Maddox was the love of my life. No one else.